Birthdays are for celebrating people. Whether it be with balloons, a cake, a party, or simply just someone wishing another person ‘Happy Birthday!’ Ultimately, the day is meant to celebrate someone. Today, January 17th, is my birthday, andmy people want to celebrate me. So, for the first time in many years, I’ll let them.
You see, not many people know this, but I once believed that the world would be better without me in it. What I mean is that I once had thoughts of suicide, and somehow these thoughts arose more on my birthday. For several years now, my birthday has been a dark day to me because I didn’t feel as though I deserved the attention of someone, especially my loved ones. I didn’t like the attention they wanted to give me, with the showering of gifts, cake, singing ‘Happy Birthday,’ or just simply celebrating me for one day. Again, I just didn’t feel deserving of their love, and I talked to myself very poorly.
Yet, after almost two years of weekly counseling and SSRI medication, I finally started to realize that the most likely culprit of my anxiety and eventual thoughts of suicide stemmed fromexhaustion, burnout, and how I perceived others’ thought about me. I contracted my self-worth out to others’ opinions in hopes that they would see me, hear me, and know me. But, in return, I became who they wanted me to be, even if that meant bottling the real ‘Jonathan Crabtree’ and placing him on a shelf. This way of life led to exhaustion and burnout in ministry, which then propagated a repetitive life cycle of shame and guilt.
It felt like wearing someone’s clothes and living their life, while trying to convince myself that these were my clothes and this was my life. It felt like I was watching someone play the role of ‘Jonathan Crabtree’ while I sat in an audience booing the imposter on stage.
While living in England, I learned to let go of contracting my self-worth out to others and their opinions, and now, I’m learning to live with myself, for who I am. While I value other’s opinions and thoughts about me, I cannot base my self-worth on them. No, I think self-worth implies that worth comes from the self, and I forgot that I have worth because I allowed others and their comments to shape my self-image.
You and I both know that the world is a better place with them in it – and we must remind them often of it. Don’t suspect anyone, but simply begin telling people, ‘You make the world a better place.’ Or, ‘The world is much better with you in it.’ Or, what I tell my children, ‘You are a gift to the world.’ I’m sure we all have tough days and we could use encouragement, so I hope this message will inspire such actions.
To the reader who’s never known this about me, I’m not sure how you’ll receive this knowledge, but in light of the rise of an extremely anxious generation prone to self-harm and suicidal thoughts, I hope this message reaches someone. Maybe it’s you, maybe it’s not. But it most likely is someone you know, whether you realize it or not. Someone in your life probably believes the world is better without them in it. If it is you, then please reach out to me, or someone. Don’t let another moment go by without seeking help. I’m glad I did, and you will be too.
You are a gift to the world, and the world is a better place with you in it.
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